


Never seen the rain

by attheendoftheworld



Series: Bridges [3]
Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends, Fluff, Higgs really needs a hug this time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sad with a Happy Ending, violence but make it end in fluff?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:34:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23821651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/attheendoftheworld/pseuds/attheendoftheworld
Summary: "Oh, that was a mistake, Sammy-Boy.” Higgs chuckles as he wipes the blood off of his nose. “Bad, bad mistake.” He reaches into his pocket. His hands quickly find what they're looking for. Higgs always carries a knife. It's a pretty little thing, chiralium covered blade, handy, very useful for BT encounters. And for annoying little Porters who have yet to learn their lesson.
Relationships: Sam Porter Bridges & Higgs Monaghan
Series: Bridges [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1690624
Comments: 3
Kudos: 69





	Never seen the rain

The way home feels like a march through hell. 

His head feels dizzy, his body aches and he feels like shit. Drained. Sore.

_Fuck you, Sam._

He almost wishes Sam would have left him with the MULES. _Almost_.

When Higgs arrives at his shelter hours later, his head throbbing and his vision blurred, he doesn't even bother to take off his blood-stained clothes. All he does is let himself fall onto his bed where he immediately falls asleep (or maybe he just loses consciousness. He won't be able to tell later.)

He awakes hours later, his body still screaming in pain. It's dark, but he's too scared to turn on the light, scared that the light will make his aching head explode at last.

So he stumbles through the dark, into the kitchen where he manages to get a glass full of water. Carefully he fumbles for the other pill that Sam gave to him.

_Sam. That fucking idiot._

When he finds the pill he swallows it with a big gulp of water before he takes off the bloody clothes and collapses on the bed again.

The fever sets in two days later. Higgs wakes up in the middle of the night, sweaty, shaking, confused. Not too confused to know what's going on though. The wound on his shoulder is throbbing and hot. It's infected. 

He combs through his stack of medicine to find that all he has left are two pills of antibiotics. He takes both at once.

It doesn't matter, really. He either dies or lives.

* * *

He'd rather be dead. The fever won't go down. Has he been sleeping for hours? Days? Or not at all?

It's hard to tell. Is he dreaming or hallucinating? Or both?

He sees Amelie on the beach. She smiles at him, but then she turns around and walks away, walks toward the light and no matter how hard he tries he can't catch up to her. He wakes up covered in cold sweat.

He dreams about Sam, too. They're back on the beach, but this time, instead of pulling him out, Sam grabs his neck and pushes him under water. Higgs feels the thick, tar-like substance fill his mouth, his nose, his lungs, stealing his air, suffocating him. 

There's a breaking point for every person. Higgs' is reached when he dreams ( _or hallucinates_?) about Fragile.

In his dream they're young again, both naive, thinking they can save the world, delivery by delivery. She smiles at him like she used to, back when they were partners, not enemies.

But then something happens. Her face, pretty and kind, changes, turns into something old and distorted and horrible. A BT, but not made of fog and shadows, but flesh and blood. Her face melts in front of him and right before he wakes up he hears a voice whisper into his ear, clear and sharp as a knife. 'Higgs, forget you ever met me.'

Higgs wakes up and hardly makes it to the sink before he throws up.

* * *

It takes several weeks before his shoulder is healed. It still hurts and he still can't carry the same load he used to. It's good enough to make smaller runs, but Repatriation always cured his injuries so much faster and Higgs isn't used to heal the _normal_ way. He curses himself for clinging to life, just because he's too afraid of the seam. He would never admit it to anyone (especially not to Sam), but he's afraid of death. Or rather, afraid of not making it back. Higgs never really needed a bomb, he could have easily produced a nice bunch of voidouts using his own body. It doesn't matter; he comes back anyway. But ever since he went to the seam for the first time he's been afraid of getting stuck there, afraid that one day he wouldn't be able to find his way back to his body. A horrible fate, stuck between life and death… Besides, bombs used to be much more interesting, war machines created by humanity to destroy themselves. Higgs used to be obsessed with humanity's flaws back then.

Well. Whatever…

Today is the first day after his _accident_ that he'll be going for a bigger run. Up to the mountains. Not to deliver cargo though. Well, not your typical cargo anyway. Higgs gets up early before sunrise and prepares for the march. The last couple of days have been mild. There are no real seasons anymore, but if there were, it would be springtime. This morning however is cold and clammy. Fog creeps over the land and it makes it harder for Higgs to keep an eye on his track. He knows the way well enough but it's a challenge every time nonetheless. One misplaced step can easily lead to a few broken bones. Oh, wouldn't it be ironic if he slipped on a rock and broke his neck after spending weeks healing his useless shoulder, because Sam 'Oh Great Deliverer' Bridges was too noble to let him die in peace.

_Sam._

_Fuck that guy._

Oh, sure, **he** thinks he's a goddamn hero. Saving the world and all that shit. But Higgs saw the pain on his Sam's face when he mentioned Amelie. Almost made him feel sorry for the poor fool. Just like Higgs, Sam got fucked over by her, and he's aware of it. 

Despite that he can't stand that Sam saved his ass _again, the_ thought alone drives him mad. Just when they were finally even, just when Higgs thought he could go on and hate Sam for the rest of his life, that fucker goes ahead and plays nice. _Well fuck him_ . Higgs doesn't need anyone, especially not an imbecile like Sam to help him. He couldn't quite explain it if somebody would ask _(not that there's anybody around who could ask, huh?_ ) but Sam treating him like a human being ( _hell, even taking care of him, sharing his blood bags and shit)_ somehow makes Higgs feel even more... insignificant. Amelie gave purpose to his existence. He found sense in his fate to bring the sixth and last extinction, found meaning in his fight against Sam, found his **_place_ ** in the world... And now Sam took that away from him. And for what? Because he had to be the good boy scout, had to be _the bigger person,_ had to show mercy and compassion and all that shit.

And Sam giving a shit about him… Ugh, he can't even begin to think about that without getting sick.

It's not even like Higgs can't be on his own. He's always been kind of a loner anyway so being alone had never bothered him much in the last few years. But now? Having somebody treat him with kindness for once gave Higgs a glimpse of what life could have been… if his life hadn't been one big fuck up, that is. In the end it only made him feel more alone. It's all bullshit of course. He had tried connecting with people, tried to be part of a community back then and hell, that didn't work out at all, did it? 

Higgs tries to push the thought away, but if he's really honest with himself (and that doesn't happen too often)... Well, there had been one particular morning when the fever had been so bad, he could feel his own cells being cooked.

He had been in pain all night, unable to sleep, but at the same time too weak to even get up for a glass of water. When he realized that he would die soon, croak like the pathetic dog he was, he couldn't hold it in anymore.

He had started to cry, tearless sobbing, because he felt so desperate and lonely and for a moment he had wished he stayed with Sam. Just to see what would have happened. Sam, that fucking idiot, who was stupid enough to save him, kind enough to patch up his shoulder ( _even though that kinda created this whole problem in the first place, didn't it?)._ He would have brought him some painkillers and water. Maybe would have checked his shoulder once in a while. _Sure, Higgs. Maybe he would have read you a bedtime story, too._ And then what? Oh, that fucker would have called the UCA faster than Higgs could have said 'bastard', there's no doubt. But the thought of Sam had been calming for a moment.

He had fallen asleep, and later, when he woke up and the fever had gone down a little, he had felt ashamed and disgusted. He still feels embarrassed, even though now, weeks later and with a clear mind, he realizes that it had only been a weak moment, the confused thoughts of a dying person - who, well, ended up not kicking the bucket this time.

"Ah, Shit!" The first thing every new Porter has to learn is to always, 100% concentrate on the path before him. Higgs is reminded of this lesson the hard way when he overlooks a sharp rock. His foot, stable just a second ago, slips. He tumbles. For a second he's certain he's going to eat dirt, he can almost feel the sharp tiny rocks piercing through his skin - before he catches himself last second.

"Well, fuck me!" He lets out a sharp breath as he realizes how close this one was. "Get your shit together, Monaghan." he murmurs. He checks his cargo, which luckily remained all intact, before he picks up his trail, this time with his mind focused on the way ahead of him.

It's midday when he finally reaches his destination. The fog has cleared and the sun breaks through the clouds, casting a warm beam over the country. He feels sweaty, but he's still glad for the weather being as it is. Snow would have been worse. Way worse.

Higgs finds a small rock with a flat surface to sit down and opens his backpack. He grabs the bottle he brought, then hesitates. The view up here is amazing. On a clear day like this you can see for miles, endless hills of green in the valley below, only occasionally interrupted by a golden field of wheat that grows near the Timefall Farm. It's so peaceful up here. If only it wasn't for the big crater that blew up the landscape so many years ago.

"Cheers, buddy.", he mumbles before taking a sip right from the bottle. The liquor burns in his throat, he's not used to it anymore. Higgs avoids drinking nowadays; it makes his nightmares worse.

He takes a moment to soak up all the sounds around him. It's not too often he takes the time just to sit outside, the sun on his face, listening to the birds and insects. This really is a beautiful place. As long as there are no BTs around.

Memories flood his mind. The first time they met, both way too young and stupid to make it alone. 

Back then Higgs had been suspicious of everyone and everything, so much he had almost declined the other boys offer to team up. But something in the others welcoming, but shy smile made him trust this kid. They were both just a little lost in a world way too big.

_"I'm Seàn." The kid holds out his hand, as if they are business men in suits instead of dirty, tired children._

_"Higgs."_

_"Higgs?" Not this again. People usually react irritated to his unusual name._

_"Yeah, Higgs. Named after-"_

_"A scientist! Peter Higgs. Right?"_

He wonders how different their lives would have been if he had walked away that day. Maybe Seàn would still be alive.

He's been coming here every year for… wow, how many years has it been? Too many. Time is a weird thing when your head is filled with chiralium and visions of the world's ending. He likes to pretend that that's the only reason he skipped his visit one year. Simply forgot the date… no. Truth is, he didn't care much about his old connections, be it with the living or the dead, once he had met Amelie.

It had all been so meaningless anyway…

Higgs takes a few more sips and exchanges the burning in his throat for a buzzing in his head.

It's a horrible thought, but he's glad that Seàn wasn't around anymore when it all went to shit. He always believed in humanity, in connections and community. He always-

"What the hell...?"

Porters usually don't cross this place. It's a shortcut, sure, but it's also like gambling your life away. But there he is, making his way around the crater, towards Higgs. A freelancer with a bunch of shit stacked on his back, crossing the hill like he's on a Sunday afternoon stroll. That guy must be stupid or -

_Sam_ _Bridges_. The living legend. _Of fucking course._

Sam looks up just as Higgs recognizes him a confused look appears on his face as if he's not trusting his own eyes. 

The sudden wave of rage is overwhelming. Every clear thought in Higgs’ mind is suddenly washed away, blocked out and replaced by nothing but blind, drunk hate. Sam just walked up here, interrupted him, strolled along the craterside like it’s nothing. Because it means nothing to him. Sam doesn’t know what it’s like…  
Higgs’ fingernails dig into his palms, but he doesn’t even notice. He’s at Sam before he knows what he’s doing, way before Sam even has a chance to react. His shoulder hits Sam hard in the chest and knocks him to the ground. 

“What the **fuck** are you doin' here?!” his words echo through the mountains and if anybody was close by they would hear him. But if course there’s nobody around.  
Higgs aims his fist at Sam’s jaw, but Sam is one a quick son if a bitch. He kicks his leg up just at the right moment and hits Higgs in the stomach, knocking the air out of him. Higgs is still busy catching his breath when something hits his nose out of nowhere. Suddenly the ground is covered in red spots. Higgs watches fascinated how the red forms a perfect contrast to the lush green beneath his feet. 

“Oh, that was a mistake, Sammy-Boy.” he chuckles as he wipes the blood off of his nose. “Bad, bad mistake.” He reaches into his pocket. His hands quickly find what they're looking for. Higgs always carries a knife. It's a pretty little thing, chiralium covered blade, handy, very useful for BT encounters. And for annoying little Porters who have yet to learn their lesson.  
  
He lashes forward, aiming for Sam’ neck. Sam evades him quickly.  
“Higgs, stop!" Sam hisses through pressed teeth. “It’s pointless!”  
In a swift motion, Higgs uses all his weight to push forward. Sam loses his balance, tops over and him and Higgs both crash down hard on the ground. Before Sam can get back up Higgs leaps forward and pins him down, knife to his throat.

Finally. That’s exactly where he wanted Sam, exactly what he imagined so many times. It might not be permanent, but oh, it’s going to be sweet. 

“Come on, Sammy. Let me have some fun.” He grins. 

He's only a moment away from cutting his throat and ending this day in a blood bath. Higgs pushes his hand closer.

“Enough with the fucking games, Sam. I’m sick of it.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” Sam genuinely sounds confused.  
“Come on, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Think you can show up and you ruin everything? So you can feel _superior_ . Well not this time. Look who’s got the upper hand now, Bridges. And quite literally that.”  
“What the hell do ya want, Higgs?!”  
Higgs leans down ever so slightly. Not for any particular reason; he just knows how much Sam hates it.

“I want you to beg, Sammy boy.” He leans back so he can enjoy Sam’s reaction. “Beg for your life and I might make up my mind. How's that?"

He doesn’t expect Sam to beg, not really. Sam’s not the type for that. But he sure has hoped for more than _that_. 

"Go ahead." Sam's voice is strained, but he seems calm. "Do it. Kill me, so I can come back and kill you and then we can do this over and over and over again! Round and round it goes right?"

Higgs tightens his grip around the blade. 

_Just do it._

“You’re not gonna fight back, Bridges?”

“Do what you have to." Sam is breathing heavy but he's not fighting back. It's disappointing.  
“You’re a sorry loser, Sam. Takes away all the fun!”

His hand is shaking. _Fuck_. He wants to end Sam, kill him, destroy him, tear him apart. And this asshole doesn't even fight back. Higgs presses the blade closer against Sam's skin. It leaves a bloody mark on his neck. Sam barley even flinches.

"I'm gonna do it, Sam!" he feels his throat tighten. "Fucking… fight back already!" he growls.  
Sam just stares at him. Higgs stares back, frozen, unable to make a move. It's weird. Never before has he realized how much Sam's eyes resemble Amelie's. Same blue shade, same patience. But that's bullshit; they're not even really related.

"Why do you _always have to be so angry at this world, Higgs?"_

_They have been partners for years and if there is one thing he likes about Seàn it's his honesty. He can be brutally honest, but he's never mean.  
_

_"They're trying to take business away from us! We build this up and they-"_

_"Can't you just fucking let it go for once?" Seàn sounds annoyed. "You have a good heart, man, but I swear, all this rage is gonna eat you up one day. This isn't about you, this is about the people. I know you had a shitty childhood, but guess what, me too. Get over it and accept that there's still good people in this world."_

The world becomes blurry as tears shoot into his eyes. He can't do it.

His hand loosens and he drops his knife to the ground. He can't do it.

It's pathetic.

_No. You. You are pathetic, Higgs._

He can't do it. He had no problem killing his own father, had no problem killing dozens, but he can't kill Sam, can't kill the person who saved him, the only one who gives a shit about whether he's dead or alive. The last weak connection to Amelie he has left. 

It's like somebody has turned on a switch. One moment he was full of rage and hate and the next he 

just breaks down, crumbles, falls apart. The stress, his feelings, this place, Seàn, the alcohol… _Sam_ . It's just too much. Too much of everything. He sinks down _,_ tears streaming over his face, sobbing like a child. He wishes he could stop. Wishes he could at least be more quiet or at least find the strength to get up and walk away. But he just sits there, crying out his pain and frustrating. He's faintly aware that his sobbing has turned into a hysterical pattern of panicked gasping for air. 

_You're not special, Higgs. You never were. You're just a coward, just like your Daddy was and there's no place for people like you in this world._

He can't breath, the air isn't reaching his lungs, he's going to pass out, he's going to, he's not, he can't

And suddenly there's Sam's hand on his back. Just like that. Holding him in this awkward, one sided hug.

"Let go!" Higgs hisses but it comes out all wrong.

"It's alright." He can feel Sam's breath on his ear, warm, his voice low and comforting and he wants to scream and kick and yell and tell him that no, nothing's alright, nothing will ever be alright again! He tries to push Sam off, push him off and then he's going to beat him up and rip his throat out and-

"It's okay." Sam's hand finds the back of Higgs head and he pulls him closer.

Higgs whole body starts shaking. He tries to fight it, he really does, but his eyes burn and he's tired. God he's so tired of this world, of being alone, of being himself.

Sam just stays with him, stubborn as he is, and holds him close. His hand rests on Higgs head, his body feels warm and secure. Higgs eventually gives in and he lets his hands dig into Sam's uniform, lets his head sink against Sam's shoulder, as he cries out until his eyes feel sore and his head hurts and he feels he's completely empty inside.

  
  


* * *

"I think you broke my nose."

The afternoon sun shines warm and golden over the mountain top. Higgs tries to wipe the blood off his face, but it's already dry and sticks to his skin and touching his face hurts too much anyway.

Sam takes a long, hard look at him. His suit still has fresh blood stains where Higgs rested his head, but he doesn't seem to mind. 

"Looks alright to me."

He reaches into a small glass container and let's one of the residents hover over. "Here."

Higgs catches the Cryptobiot mid flight and quickly puts it in his mouth. They still taste as horrible as he remembers. He washes the taste down with more alcohol.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

This situation is uncomfortable enough. Talking is the last thing Higgs wants to do.

A cool breeze picks up and rattles through the grass. Higgs closes his eyes, wishing he had Fragile's power to disappear into thin air. The wind soothes the red, swollen skin around his eyes, but it can't soothe the burning shame he feels. Maybe alcohol can, though. He puts the bottle to his lips and drinks until he starts to feel numb, his mind all fuddled and… screw it. What difference does is make anyway? 

"He was a friend of mine." The words just burst out of him. Sam glanzes over to the crater like he just noticed it.

"Homo demens?"

"No!" It comes out more harshly than he intended. "No, he... He was a Porter." Sam just nods, gives him room to decide whether or not he he wants to go on. Higgs has never told anyone about this, not Fragile, shit, not even Amelie.

"We were making deliveries. Me and my guys… best goddamn crew you could find in the West." It's stupid, but he smiles at the thought anyway. They had felt so proud back then. Proud and invincible. He had found sense in community, had made it his task to help people survive. At the time had thought he could save the world by delivering medicine to old folks and food to starving families. That was before Amelie had shown him the truth.

"One day he's out for another run when he gets caught in a snowstorm. Couldn't see his own hand before his eyes. And then there's BTs. So he calls me, panicking, asking for help. But I... " Higgs presses his lips together. "It was too late already. Line went dead and then…boom. And that's it. Another one bites the dust." Higgs remembers the exact moment. The sudden silence followed by a blinding explosion. It had left no room for wondering, no room for the slightest bit of hope. Seàn was gone that very second.

"I'm sorry."

Higgs takes another sip before he hands the bottle over to Sam, carefully avoiding to look directly at him.

"Occupational risk, isn't it? Well, not for you and me, of course. We're special, right?" he shakes his head. "Why are you always around when I'm miserable, Bridges?"

Sam shrugs, then takes a big gulp of the dark brown liquid. He makes a grimace and hands back the bottle.

"Maybe you're just always miserable."

Higgs grins bitterly. "Maybe."

"Why'd you do it, Higgs?" Sam's voice sounds like a man talking about the weather. No anger, just genuine curiosity. "Why did you wanna end it all? Fragile says you used to believe in people. Why the sudden change?"

Higgs is silent for a moment. He doubts Sammy-Boy could ever understand it, could ever grasp what went through his mind. 

"Did it ever occur to you that I never wanted any of this?" he mumbles. 'I don't hate humanity, I never did. Amelie she… she chose me. She gave me purpose. And suddenly everything made sense. For the first time in my life I wasn't afraid. I had power. I had the power to bring a quick end to all of humanity. I knew what was coming, so why try and fight it? And there was no wrong or right, there was just what needed to be done." He pauses. "Amelie had a plan until you showed up, Sam. You're the one who fucked it all up, but I can't even hate you for it." He sights. "God knows I've tried. But you and me, Sam, we're both just idiots got caught up in between something that's too big for us to understand." 

Sam makes a grunting sound that could mean anything. It doesn't matter; Higgs didn't expect him to understand it anyway.

"So what do we do now, Sammy-Boy?"

"I don't know, maybe we could stop trying to kill each other every time we meet?" 

"Didn't know you could be sarcastic, Bridges." 

"I'm serious, Higgs. We don't have to do this anymore. Amelie's gone."

Higgs thinks for a moment. Truce with Sam. Doesn't sound that horrible.

"I guess I could try."

When Sam grabs his backpack Higgs lets himself fall back down into the grass. "I'm heading to Mountain Knot. Do you wanna -"

"Don't push it, Sam."

"A'ight." 

The sky is already starting to turn pink on the horizon. He should start making walking back down soon, or else he'll have find his way through the darkness.

_Maybe he's not a complete asshole._

Higgs sits back up. Sam is already on the other side of the crater. "Hey Sam!" Hopefully he can still hear him. "I'll see you around!"

Sam stops and turns. He rises his hand and quickly waves, before he turns back around and continues his way up the mountain.

Higgs lays down again. He suddenly feels very tired.

 _Crazy asshole._


End file.
